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Taking a break from social media

Recently I decided to take a break from social media by deleting all of my social media apps off my phone.

I had a couple different reasons for doing this, but ultimately I wanted to change my relationship with my phone because I felt too dependent on it. In one sense, I felt like I was too reliant on it for some form of external validation. In another sense, I felt that I was relying on it as an escape from my life instead of confronting parts of my life that can be uncomfortable to face head-on. For example, if I was feeling sad or anxious about something, I’d immediately turn to my phone to mindlessly scroll as a distraction instead of processing what I was feeling, and what I could do to fix it/potentially prevent it from coming up again. I felt disconnected from myself in a lot of ways as I stared into a tiny screen for hours every day.

For some people, they don’t have to go to the ‘extreme’ of deleting their apps. Some people can just set a time limit for how long they’re allowed to spend on social accounts each day, but that didn’t really work for me. I knew I had to go all-in, or nothing would change. So, that’s what I did. And I wanted to share my observations here.

The first thing I noticed was just how much I was reaching for my phone. In just the first few hours of my break from social media, I instinctively reached for my phone a LOT. Didn’t even think about it, just as soon as I had any spare time, I was reaching for my phone out of habit – not necessarily out of wanting to. Even finishing a chapter of a book, I’d reach for my phone to check for notifications (even though they get sent to my Apple watch anyways) or mindlessly scroll a bit before starting the next chapter. If I was watching a video on YouTube during my lunch break, I had a bad habit of reaching for my phone to scroll while watching the video. And why? For what reason? I didn’t even necessarily care about what I was looking at on my phone, and I wasn’t looking for anything in particular to check on. I was just looking for a distraction, and I didn’t realize how bad it was until I no longer had anything to look at on my phone.

On the second day I started to have a bit of anxiety about not having access to social media. It wasn’t in a FOMO sort of way – I wasn’t worried about missing out on content from any particular account, for example. And I let my friends know that I was deleting the apps, so I didn’t worry that people would think I was ignoring them. But I just didn’t realize how much I used social media as a crutch to distract myself from my thoughts/feelings until I didn’t have that crutch anymore. So if I was anxious or sad or feeling any kind of discomfort in my life, I just kind of had to sit in it and feel it, and I was forced to actually face and deal with my feelings, which I hadn’t done in a long time. And I mean, yeah, it’s uncomfortable to do, but I think it’s really necessary, too. I’m not saying if you’re feeling anxious or sad to just do nothing about it and sit and wallow for hours on end. But I do think it was helpful to have to sit in it long enough to consider how I got to that point, how to get through it, and how I might be able to prevent it from happening again or handle it better next time.

Also, I realized what a gross amount of time I spent on my phone when I realized I suddenly had a lot of extra time to fill each day.

It also didn’t take too long for things to get easier, either. After just a couple days I wasn’t finding it as difficult anymore, so that was really nice. And it was easier to be more present when I was spending time with people. I wasn’t distracted by notifications, or focusing on getting a good photo to post about what I was doing. I got to just enjoy the moment with friends and not think about anything else.

After a little while I noticed I was finding other vices to distract myself if I was upset or anxious, but I don’t think that’s a bad thing, because those things at least made me feel better in the end. Looking at my phone didn’t always make me feel worse, but it certainly never made me feel better. But going for a long walk and listening to a podcast? Instantly lifted my mood and calmed my energy. Sitting outside in the sunshine, reading? Made me feel happy and more connected to myself and my interests. As a result, I feel like I was also getting better at regulating my emotions. When I felt any kind of negative feelings, instead of trying to run away from them, I would just accept that that’s what I was feeling, and I’d sit in it for a minute. Depending on how I felt, I might breathe through it or talk myself through it, reminding myself the feelings were just temporary and would pass. Allowing myself to experience these shitty feelings helped me realize that they are temporary, so there’s no need to run from them, because they’ll come and go, and they won’t stay for long. And, after a few moments, I’d get up and do something that I knew would lift my mood – whether it was a bit of tidying, going for a walk, making a snack, any kind of happy activity would reset my mind and make me feel better.

I was a bit worried that when I deleted these apps I’d feel very disconnected from my friends and the world. And in a way I guess I did feel a bit disconnected from the world, but not in a bad way. Sometimes having constant access to everything that’s going on in the world can be very overwhelming and draining. It was nice to just be in tune with the world around me for a bit. Also, instead of feeling disconnected from people in my life, I actually felt more connected to them. Now if I wanted to have some kind of social interaction with people, I’d actually have to reach out to them and make that intentional connection rather than just checking their instagram to see what they’ve been up to, or sending them a quick meme without context.

I did at one point re-download social media for a couple days when my friend got married, because I wanted to share posts from her special day, and see what moments other people were posting from it as well. When I did re-download it, I noticed right away that I was sucked back in and checking my phone more, opening the apps out of habit even if I didn’t necessarily want to look at anything on them. Even while watching TV, I started scrolling mindlessly again instead of paying attention to the program I put on, just like I used to do. It felt like a bit of a relief when I deleted the apps again, because I didn’t like how quickly it felt like it took over my life right away. I don’t like feeling so attached to and consumed by my phone.

A few other things I noticed were:
– I started snacking less – I don’t know if there’s a connection between social media usage and snacking, or if maybe I was just more in-tune with my body since I wasn’t constantly distracted by my phone, but I did realize that I wasn’t mindlessly snacking nearly as much as I had previously been
– I found it easier to get small tasks done right away instead of putting them off (even if it’s just a small task that takes a few minutes) because I wasn’t constantly falling down the rabbit-hole of staring into my phone screen
– I’ve had much less anxiety overall (although this could also be partially attributed to other changes in my life)
– I was able to find joy in small things again – like just enjoying the sun on a long walk, or sitting and reading for hours without distractions
– I started sleeping better, which, if you know me you know this is a big deal for me

It’s no big surprise that social media can be addicting, and can have a very negative impact on our lives. I’m really glad I did this little experiment for myself, and took this break from social media – a break I didn’t even realize I desperately needed until it happened.

I’m not swearing off social media forever, but I do really prefer my life when the apps aren’t so easily accessible on my phone. So for now, I’m not going to have any hard-and-fast restrictive rules on my social media usage, but I think I might just download the apps now and then when I have something to post, and then keep them off my phone for the most part so I can just enjoy my life without these distractions.

If you’ve never tried taking a break from social media, I’d definitely recommend it! Even if just for a day or a few days – you never know how it might impact your life!

Until next time,
Nadine

Painting Pottery

My friends Karlee, Sheryl, and I recently had a cute little friend-date painting pottery! We went to a studio called Clay & Cupcakes in South Edmonton since they offer to-go kits. These kits cost the same as you would pay to paint in-studio, and you get 6 paint colours per piece that you purchase, plus $1 per paint for any extra colours you need, although I personally found 6 paints to be plenty. You will need your own brushes, though, if you choose to go with the to-go kit option!

We decided to also go with the to-go kits because that way we could have a dog playdate at the same time! We ordered pizza for a pre-painting dinner, and I brought Baxter with me so he could play with Mowgli while we painted in Karlee’s cute and cozy patio. It was really nice being able to sit outside chatting and painting! It also took longer than we anticipated, so Sheryl and I took our pieces home to finish painting them. This is another nice thing about the to-go kits: you can take your time and paint at your leisure, take breaks during painting as needed (whether it be for a few hours, or for a day), and you can paint in the comfort of your own home if the thought of spending an entire afternoon or evening in a pottery studio feels daunting! Although, it may not take as long to paint your piece depending on what you decide to do with it.

I really loved painting my teacup and saucer set. I found that I easily got lost in the task – I just threw on a podcast to watch while I finished painting mine the next afternoon, and since I decided to do a pattern of bumblebees and strawberries, it was more tedious and took me longer than I expected, but I didn’t mind and I didn’t feel like I needed to rush through it. I was just enjoying the task, and found it to be such a fulfilling and satisfying activity! The more and more I painted it and added details, the more I fell in love with it and was getting excited to see the end result.

Karlee picked up our pieces and dropped them off at the studio, and the hardest part truly was having to wait for them to be ready to be picked up! It took about a week, and I swear I got separation anxiety from my teacup almost immediately. I don’t remember the last time I painted pottery – probably when I was a kid – so I couldn’t remember what to expect, and I was desperate to just see the end result!

I was a little bit nervous as well – I hadn’t realized painting pottery was so technical! They warned us not to paint more than 3 layers of paint, so if you were going to paint designs on your piece as well as a background colour (which is what I was doing), then you’d have to draw the designs in pencil, then paint the background colour around them, then paint your pattern. Otherwise if you paint the background fully, and then paint your designs on top of that paint, you’ll end up with too many layers of paint on top of each other. Which is another reason mine took quite a while to finish! I was pretty sure I accidentally painted too many layers in some spots on my teacup, so I was a bit nervous about that, but I must not have because it all turned out fine!

teacup and saucer with bumblebees and strawberries painted on it

I was so excited to pick it up, the moment we got the call I zipped over to the studio to grab mine. And I love how it turned out! The colours are much more vibrant after it gets fired, which was hard to remember, because it looked a bit dull while painting it. I feel like mine is definitely not artistically skilled haha, it’s got some good homemade vibes to it, but I think the imperfections give it a lot of character. I still think it’s super cute, and I absolutely love it! I had so much fun with the process that I wasn’t really too worried if it didn’t turn out looking super nice – it was my first time trying to do something like this, so I wasn’t expecting perfection, and I knew if I made any mistakes then it would be a learning opportunity for next time.

I already can’t wait to paint more pottery – I’ve got my next piece in mind, with a new pattern all planned out already! Maybe this is the beginning of me turning into a crazy pottery lady.

Until next time,
Nadine

It Ends With Us

About the book

Lily hasn’t always had it easy, but that’s never stopped her from working hard for the life she wants. She’s come a long way from the small town where she grew up—she graduated from college, moved to Boston, and started her own business. And when she feels a spark with a gorgeous neurosurgeon named Ryle Kincaid, everything in Lily’s life seems too good to be true.

Ryle is assertive, stubborn, maybe even a little arrogant. He’s also sensitive, brilliant, and has a total soft spot for Lily. And the way he looks in scrubs certainly doesn’t hurt. Lily can’t get him out of her head. But Ryle’s complete aversion to relationships is disturbing. Even as Lily finds herself becoming the exception to his “no dating” rule, she can’t help but wonder what made him that way in the first place.

As questions about her new relationship overwhelm her, so do thoughts of Atlas Corrigan—her first love and a link to the past she left behind. He was her kindred spirit, her protector. When Atlas suddenly reappears, everything Lily has built with Ryle is threatened.

Review (spoilers!)

I remember seeing a lot of hype online for this book, so I had pretty high expectations for it. However, I found it to be….kind of disappointing. More than just being disappointing, I actually found it to be a bit problematic in some ways, too.

I will say, it is a nice easy read if you’re looking for something non-committal that doesn’t take a lot of mental energy to get through. It was very easy to pick up after a day or two away from it, and the story line was very easy to follow.

That being said, I also found it to be a bit juvenile in terms of the writing style. It felt more like I was reading a YA novel in the sense that some parts felt a bit too fantastical and just too conveniently perfect. The aspect of Marshall making six million dollars in a year while seeming to have such a low-commitment job so that he’s constantly available to be around, and him and Alyssa just having this perfect, easy, rich life with no consequences seemed a bit ‘too good to be true’ to me. I understand that it’s just a story and not everything has to be incredibly realistic, but it felt a bit lazy in a sense. Like there wasn’t any effort to really build these side characters or give them any real personality. They just have this perfect life where nothing goes wrong, and they’re always available whenever the main character requires them to be. But I realize that’s probably just me being a bit picky.

Another part that I found to be a bit juvenile was when they decided to get married on a whim. They’d only been dating for six months and had never previously discussed marriage, but suddenly when someone brings it up as a future possibility, they’re both fully on-board and ready to make the commitment? As a 14 year old, I would have found that to be romantic – they’re in love, nothing can stand in their way! As a 27 year old, I find that to be worrisome. Especially when the author seemingly tries to make it appear like a more reasonable decision by having them discuss potential relationship dealbreakers on their way to elope. Again, younger me would have found this to simply be a whirlwind romance. Present-day me just thought it was incredibly impractical and immature to be having this discussion on the plane to Vegas. Especially considering that by this point in the book, their relationship didn’t seem to be built on any real substance. The story didn’t really give a close inside look into the actual relationship or provide any moments that showed them bonding and growing deeper feelings for one another. It seemed like they were together based purely on physical attraction, and at that point it felt like two almost-strangers deciding to get married.

When Atlas is 18, and asks 15 year old Lily when she turns 16…that creeped me out, big time. It felt incredibly predatory, and it felt obvious that he was basically asking when she would be the age of consent. After that scene, I couldn’t view Atlas as being a good guy anymore. And then he shows up at her house the night of her sixteenth birthday? If he hadn’t asked that question previously, or if she had been turning 17, maybe it could have been perceived as him just wanting to wish her a happy birthday. But the fact that he had asked that question, and the fact that they had sex that night, makes it seem like he was eagerly waiting for her to turn 16 so that he could act on his feelings without it being a legal issue, as if it suddenly isn’t creepy and predatory the moment she goes from 15 to 16. That part really bothered me, and was so unnecessary – it could have been so easily avoided! They could have been the same age! They could have just not had sex or any kind of intimate relationship! Why make this choice.

Now, let’s talk about what this novel was really about: an abusive relationship. I think it would be easy to say, “I don’t like that she forgave him after he hit her,” but I also feel that would be an unfair statement. I understand that abusive relationships are very complicated, and it’s not always so easy to leave. That being said, I didn’t like how quickly Alyssa brushed past the fact that her brother beat up Lily just because Lily was pregnant. It was almost like a quick, “oh no, that’s so sad, you should leave him even though he’s my brother. But yay you’re pregnant, let’s celebrate!” and then she went straight into sharing her maternity clothes and wanting to plan a baby shower. It seemed very inconsiderate of how Lily might be feeling, and how difficult of a decision she had ahead of her, especially with pregnancy being a factor, too. I think that scene could have been so powerful if Alyssa had acted as more of a support system for Lily in that moment, and had spent more time checking in on how she’s feeling and offering resources to her. Maybe instead of wanting to plan a big baby shower, she could have offered to help provide Lily with access to counselling resources, for example. Maybe she could have asked Lily how she feels about the pregnancy, as I’m sure finding out you’re pregnant with your abuser’s baby would bring about all kinds of extra mixed emotions that wouldn’t normally come up in an unplanned pregnancy within a healthy relationship. I just think that scene had so much potential to be powerful, and show how women can support each other through such difficult, sensitive times. Instead, it became a very shallow moment for Alyssa to flex her vast wealth.

In the end, I am glad that Lily decided to leave Ryle. I was a little bit worried that Colleen Hoover would try to spin the story to give Ryle some kind of redemption arc where maybe he makes some big romantic gesture, and that’s enough for Lily to forgive him and for them to live happily ever after. And I know that in reality, a lot of women are unable to leave their abusive relationships for multiple reasons. And maybe in some cases, the abuser is able to change for good, and they’re able to work things out. However, I’m glad she made the decision to have Lily leave Ryle, because I think it creates a very empowering ending to the story, and shows that it is possible to leave an abusive relationship.

I also really liked a quote from page 274, where she says,

People spend so much time wondering why the women don’t leave. Where are all the people who wonder why the men are even abusive? Isn’t that where the only blame should be placed?

I’m so glad she made this point, because I think it is an issue that needs to be addressed. So many people put all the responsibility on the abused individual to fix the situation by leaving, rather than looking at the abuser and wondering why they don’t also work on themselves to not be abusive. It’s like we just accept that the abuser is going to be violent, that’s just the way they are, and it’s up to the abused individual to make the decision that puts an end to the violence. But even if the abused individual walks away, that’s not really putting an end to the violence, is it? Maybe it saves them from the violence, but the abuser won’t stop. They’ll just continue the cycle with someone else. We need to stop asking women they they aren’t leaving, and we need to start asking their abusive partners why they’re acting this way in the first place.

Overall, I did like the concept of the story. I liked that she discusses how complicated it can be to be in an abusive relationship, and how difficult it can be to leave the person who abuses you when you already have such strong, deep feelings of love for them. I don’t have first-hand experience, but I’m sure abusive relationships never start out abusive. I’m sure it doesn’t start out with the abusive partner hitting their significant other on the second or third date. These relationships start out just like any other relationship, with a lot of care and affection, and then the abuse comes later, after there are already strong feelings involved, making it so much more complicated.

I think the topic of abuse is very delicate, and is a difficult thing to write about. I appreciate how painful this must have been for Colleen Hoover to write, as well, considering she was writing from the experience of seeing her mother go through this with her father. However, I do wish she had handled some of it a bit differently, and maybe dove in a bit deeper into the sensitive parts rather than brushing past it to make the story lighter and easier. Maybe that wasn’t her intention, but it definitely felt that way to me as a reader. Sometimes, when we’re dealing with a difficult topic, it’s okay to make the story painful. Because the reality of it is painful, and making light of it just doesn’t do it justice.

But, those are just my thoughts.

Until next time,
Nadine

Verity – Book Review

From the Indigo website:

Lowen Ashleigh is a struggling writer on the brink of financial ruin when she accepts the job offer of a lifetime. Jeremy Crawford, husband of bestselling author Verity Crawford, has hired Lowen to complete the remaining books in a successful series his injured wife is unable to finish.

Lowen arrives at the Crawford home, ready to sort through years of Verity’s notes and outlines, hoping to find enough material to get her started. What Lowen doesn’t expect to uncover in the chaotic office is an unfinished autobiography Verity never intended for anyone to read. Page after page of bone-chilling admissions, including Verity’s recollection of the night her family was forever altered.

Lowen decides to keep the manuscript hidden from Jeremy, knowing its contents could devastate the already grieving father. But as Lowen’s feelings for Jeremy begin to intensify, she recognizes all the ways she could benefit if he were to read his wife’s words. After all, no matter how devoted Jeremy is to his injured wife, a truth this horrifying would make it impossible for him to continue loving her.

SPOILERS AHEAD

I’ve never read any of Colleen Hoover’s books before, so I wasn’t really sure what to expect. From what I’ve heard, it sounds like her genre is more romance-oriented, but you wouldn’t know it when you pick up Verity. There are some ~spicy~ moments in the novel, but overall it felt like a strong thriller novel to me, and I would have easily believed that was her typical genre. Her writing style is very accessible and easy to read, and the story itself was so gripping, I couldn’t put the book down!

There was one scene that was really hard for me to digest – the moment in Verity’s manuscript where she describes going into the bathroom and attempting to abort her twins with a metal hanger. When I read that, it truly made me feel like my insides were curdling, I was cringing so much. But I take that response as a good sign in a way, because I think it takes a strong writer to make you have that kind of physical reaction to their words.

In regards to Jeremy and Verity’s relationship, I think they were both toxic, in their own ways. I mean, Verity is toxic for obvious reasons. If you read the book and don’t think she’s toxic…yikes.

But, based on her autobiography manuscript, I get the sense that she never actually loved Jeremy, even though she repeatedly describes how obsessively in love with him she was. Based on the way she describes her feelings, I don’t think that’s love, I think it’s aggressive lust and obsession. If she loved him, she would have actually cared about his feelings and emotional needs. However, she only seemed to care about him and his emotions in regards to her. If it wasn’t centred on her, she wasn’t happy. If he wasn’t constantly wanting physical intimacy from her, she wasn’t happy.
She didn’t care if hurting the twins would upset him – she only cared about how those emotions would potentially inconvenience her, or perhaps alter the amount of attention she would receive from him. It didn’t matter how he truly felt or thought, it only mattered that his attentiveness to her went uninterrupted. It seems like in her mind, Jeremy was only allowed to exist in relation to her and her existence. He couldn’t have any life, autonomy, or world outside of her, or it made her crazy with jealousy.

Although Verity was very obviously toxic, I think Jeremy was toxic, in a way, too. It seems like Jeremy, whether he realizes it or not, wants women to be crazy over him. I feel like he only caught feelings for Lowen because he could see that she was falling hard for him. He had a sick wife, his twin daughters died recently, and he had a young son to care for. How could he have any emotional capacity to be catching feelings for and wanting to develop a relationship with a new woman he had just met? I think for most people, the possibility wouldn’t have even crossed their mind. Also, let’s be real – his character doesn’t seem THAT great. What does he really have to offer? He was hot? Is that enough for these two women to have fallen for him in such an obsessive way almost instantaneously after meeting him? Or is he just very charismatic, and has figured out exactly how to appeal to women’s desires so that they do feel relentlessly drawn to him?

Now, although I thoroughly enjoyed this book, it isn’t without its flaws.

One area of the novel that I found a little hard to believe was that Verity would be able to fake her condition so well, and for so long, without some kind of aid from drugs or something to sedate her, or without someone suspecting fraud sooner. The fact that she didn’t even flinch when Lowen threw the wooden ball in front of her? Or the fact that she was clearly sloppy, but still somehow went undetected for so long. Lowen had only been there for a couple weeks, and had seen Verity slip up enough times that she immediately suspected something was up. But, although I found that to be a bit hard to believe, it didn’t really bother me much. It didn’t take away from the story for me, and it wasn’t even really something I thought about until after I finished the book. So, I suppose it’s just me being a little bit nit-picky.

One part that did kind of confuse me towards the end, though, was when we found out Jeremy had previously read the manuscript. That didn’t make sense to me, and I kind of wish that hadn’t been the case, because I think it made it harder for things to add up. If he had previously read the manuscript, why wouldn’t he have done something sooner? He seemed like he truly cared for her when she was injured – was that just an act? How could he not despise her or hold clear resentment for her, even if she had been in an accident. I think if he still believed she killed one of the twins, surely he’d be more than happy to ship her off to a care facility rather than keeping her home and caring for her himself. And surely he wouldn’t want Crew around her after Crew had witnessed her killing his sister. Before the car accident, after Jeremy had read the manuscript for the first time, he was ready to kill her for murdering their daughter. Then, it seems like that anger didn’t come back until he confirmed that she was faking her condition all along. Unless re-reading the manuscript reignited the anger within him, which I suppose could be a possibility. But it almost came across like he was just angry that she had been fooling him the entire time. I don’t know, I just found that part was a bit strange. I know it was necessary for him to have previously read the manuscript in order for the letter she leaves behind to make sense, and the letter was necessary in order to add that twist in at the end, but…it just seemed a bit out of left field, in my opinion.

Speaking of the letter…

When I first read that twist ending, and finished the book, I honestly didn’t know what to think. But ultimately, I think the letter was another one of Verity’s manipulative lies to cover her own ass. I thought of something Lowen had said when reading the manuscript – she mentioned something like, ‘Verity must have done these things because a mother wouldn’t even think to put it in writing if it wasn’t true’. Which is a good point – and why put such incriminating words down on paper without some kind of disclaimer if it weren’t true? Why not include a note stating that the autobiography is a work of fiction, an exercise project assigned to her by her agent? But even still, I think if someone had lived through such traumatizing events that Verity had lived through, they wouldn’t want to use that to write some fictionalized piece about their part in it – if your daughter had just tragically died, would you really want to write a fake story about you murdering her? And about how much you despised her from the moment she was conceived? I don’t think most people could stomach that, especially not in such a short period of time after the accident.

But then again, if the manuscript were entirely true, and she was as obsessed with Jeremy as it claims, how could she run away from him and live without him like her letter stated she was planning to do? According to the manuscript, the whole reason she tried to abort her daughters, and ultimately ended up killing her daughter, was because she couldn’t live without Jeremy’s complete, undivided attention. And, even if the letter was a lie to cover her ass, she still clearly wrote it with the intention of Jeremy finding it after she ran away. So why go through all that to regain his attention, and then decide to just leave him in the end anyways?

Oh man, I love plot-twist endings like this. They just leave you thinking and thinking without any real, definitive resolution to what the truth is.

Until next time,
Nadine

Bridgerton Season 2

Before I start this blog post, I’ll put a little disclaimer – there will be spoilers. So if you plan to watch this season, and you haven’t yet, maybe don’t read this post until after you do!

Also, I’m going to be frank, right off the bat: I did not enjoy this season nearly as much as I enjoyed the first season.

The Love Story

Bridgerton. (L to R) Simone Ashley as Kate Sharma, Jonathan Bailey as Anthony Bridgerton in episode 207 of Bridgerton. Cr. Liam Daniel/Netflix © 2022

Season 2 had big shoes to fill. The love story between the Duke and Daphne was so enthralling – I don’t know if it was simply the writing or storyline, or the chemistry between the actors, or maybe a combination, but I fell in love with their love story. I was so emotionally invested in their relationship working out, like I needed it to work out in the end, as if I was in any way going to be impacted by their fate.

But with Anthony and Kate, I literally did not care. In fact, I was kind of annoyed by their love story. They irritated me with how much they continuously complicated the situation for themselves. It’s clear they were interested in one another immediately, yet they did everything they could do to make it impossible for them to be together. I understand they had their own objectives in life that didn’t involve marriage, but still. I think it was meant to come across as them making selfless sacrifices by refusing to be together. Then the more the storyline progressed, the more impossible it was for them to be together even when they wanted to be – I mean, he was engaged to her sister for crying out loud – and I think it was meant to be heart-wrenching that it was so impossible for them to be together. But it didn’t feel to me like they were making sacrifices. It just felt like they were being stubborn for the sake of being stubborn, and that’s it. So, as a result, it didn’t feel heart-wrenching that things weren’t working out for them. It felt more like…you’ve made your bed, now lie in it.

And then when they did let their guard down around one another, it felt like there was no chemistry or love between them. And when they did finally end up making it work, it felt so rushed and unsatisfying. I don’t know, maybe I just had too high of expectations because of how blown away I was by the Duke and Daphne, which would be hard to live up to. But with Anthony and Kate, I truly did not care if they ended up together or not. At some points they annoyed me so much, I almost didn’t want it to work out between them. It didn’t feel like they deserved to be together, or were destined to be together, or that they would be miserable without one another. Maybe they would pout a bit if it didn’t work out in their favour, but it didn’t feel like they’d have lost the love of their life or anything.

The Friendship

To be honest, I was more invested in Eloise and Penelope’s friendship. It was so interesting to see the tension rising as Eloise kept investigating the identity of Lady Whistledown, and getting more and more in-depth with her investigation. I also loved seeing Eloise explore her feminist interests more, even if she had to do so in secret. It was empowering to see her being true to herself even though everything in her life seemed so against it.

I felt so bad for Penelope when she had to badmouth and expose Eloise in order to protect her when the Queen suspected Eloise of being Whistledown. I feel like that is a struggle, and a sacrifice. Having to hurt your friend in order to protect your friend – I can’t imagine the pain that would have caused Penelope.

And then, at the end, when they had their falling out after Eloise found out the truth about Penelope…I definitely shed a few tears. I know that obviously Penelope couldn’t tell anyone that she was Whistledown – not just to avoid the risk of word getting out, but that could put Eloise in a dangerous position as well, and I think that Penelope was truly trying to protect her. But when Eloise found out that her friend had been keeping this huge secret from her, and lying to her face about it by being equally enthusiastically interested in Whistledown and not letting on about her identity, and also found out that Penelope had betrayed her by revealing her secrets of sneaking into town…I can’t imagine the pain that would have caused Eloise. I’m sure it would have felt like their entire friendship was based on lies – how could you trust your friend after finding out the way they were always presenting themself to you was fraudulent, or that they were hiding this whole identity from you. I don’t know if there was anything Penelope could have done to convince Eloise that she was just trying her best to do the right thing, especially in that moment.

I don’t know, I felt more invested in their friendship than the love story, and I felt more brokenhearted in that moment than I did at any point in Anthony and Kate’s plot-line. I think Eloise and Penelope’s friendship is the only true, pure friendship dynamic that we see in the show, and to see it fall apart is heartbreaking.

Edwina

I thought Edwina seemed so much younger than Daphne did, which made it more apparent how young the girls are when they’re getting married, especially compared to the men they’re marrying.

In season 1, Daphne seemed like a young woman. I imagined her being in her early 20s maybe, and the Duke also appeared to be in his 20s, so it seemed like a pretty average relationship dynamic in that sense. I think it’s partially the way Daphne carried herself with such confident poise, and was so outspoken and elegant in everything she did. She never shied away from speaking her mind in a respectful, competent way, and at no point did she seem overtly immature in any way. Perhaps it’s also because she’s the oldest sister in her family, so she comes across as naturally having some maternal characteristics, whereas Edwina was the younger sister in her family, so she naturally didn’t have those same characteristics as she didn’t have any younger siblings to look after. Plus, by comparison, Edwina looked younger and more childlike, and appeared more soft-spoken and reserved compared to Daphne. Potentially because Kate would always step in and speak for Edwina.

But Edwina definitely seemed more like a young teen than a young woman, and it made me incredibly uncomfortable to see her interacting with Anthony and preparing to marry him. It truly looked like a young teen (aka a child) and a grown man. Which, I know that’s how it was at the time in reality, but I’d like to not have that in my love stories, if I’m honest.

Also – the comment about Kate being an ‘old maid’ at the age of 26 LOL I was so taken aback. Like okay, if she’s an old maid then what the hell does that make me!

Anyways, I don’t think the second season was terrible, don’t get me wrong. But it had a lot to live up to after season 1, and I don’t think it quite met the expectations. But I still enjoyed watching it even if I wasn’t as invested, and you can bet that I’ll continue watching the series as more seasons come out!

Until next time,
Nadine

Lunching Alone

One of my goals this year is to get more comfortable doing things alone, and to find my independence. Of course, I enjoy going out with friends and family, however I don’t want to feel like I can’t do something or go somewhere just because my friends or family may be unavailable to join me. I’ve always had that mindset, and it can feel very limiting. But really, the only one holding me back in those situations is myself.

So, I decided to try going for lunch on my own, which I never thought I’d be capable of doing. I was definitely a bit strategic in the restaurant I chose, but I think it’s okay to go with a comfortable option when trying to step out of your comfort-zone! I decided to go to An Chay because…

I’ve been there a lot, so it feels very familiar and comfortable to me
The guy who is always working recognizes my friends and I, so it’s nice to know I’ll see a friendly face
It’s a pretty small restaurant, and has a pretty quiet and calm atmosphere, even if it’s a busier time of day
I regularly see people eating alone there! So it feels normal for that restaurant

It wasn’t busy when I got there, so I was able to get a table right away without having to stand around waiting. I picked a table facing the windows so I could people-watch while I ate. Having my back to the restaurant was kind of nice as well, because I felt like I was in my own little world. I did bring a book to read while I sat and waited for my food, although I didn’t have to wait long, so I didn’t get too much reading done. But it was nice to have something to do other than scroll through my phone.

I did feel a little bit self-conscious at one point, but I reminded myself that if I don’t think it’s odd when I see people eating alone, then other people probably don’t think it’s odd, either. And if they do, well, why should I care? Thankfully, the self-consciousness didn’t last long, and I was able to properly enjoy my food without my other sense taking over and making me feel uncomfortable.

Overall, I really enjoyed the experience! I’m starting to learn to enjoy and value the time I have with myself, and I think it’s really good to spend time alone every now and again. Do I still love going for food with my friends? Absolutely. But I also love being able to feel comfortable spending time with myself as a form of self-care, too. Plus, I don’t want to miss out on an opportunity to enjoy delicious food if people aren’t able to join me!

I’m also incredibly proud of myself for stepping out of my comfort zone and daring to go eat alone in a restaurant! I truly never thought I’d have the self-confidence to do this, and it was a very liberating experience for me.

Until next time,
Nadine

Daisy Chain Book Co.

Daisy Chain Book Co. is a local, independent bookstore located just off 124th Street. Before having a storefront, they started off as a booktruck, which I think is an adorably magical idea. Now, it’s an adorably magical store. Seriously, this place feels like something out of a movie. I can’t believe it’s real!

I love the location of Daisy Chain Book Co., there are a lot of other local businesses and restaurants within walking distance of the store, so you can really make a day of it supporting local and getting to know local businesses in the area! Plus, there’s an actual parking lot, which is great for people like me who get parking anxiety (have I avoided visiting stores or restaurants because I know the only parking option will be parallel parking? Maybe).

I know you shouldn’t judge a book by it’s cover, and I’m definitely not one to walk away from a bookstore if it doesn’t look ‘nice’, but it’s certainly a bonus that this local bookstore is just so dang cute. I love the iron-gate doors (this gave me the movie-esque feel), the checkered floor is so fun, and the vibrant yellow is just so joyful! I bet every single person feels at least a little bit happier the moment they walk into Daisy Chain.

While good parking, great location, and lovely aesthetic is certainly nice, it’s obviously not the most important part of a bookstore. Luckily, Daisy Chain Book Co. also has a great selection of books. They have an amazing selection of recent novels from current, popular authors – so if you’re worried that by going to an independent bookstore they might not have the latest titles, you don’t need to be concerned! I also loved how the books were categorized, it was very easy to spot the category plates and find the genre of books you might be most interested in. I was particularly appreciative of the whodunnit section as this is currently one of my favourite genres!

Daisy Chain Book Co. truly has everything you could want – easy to get to, lovely interior, very welcoming vibes, and popular books at more affordable prices! If you’re in Edmonton, I highly recommend popping in.

Until next time,
Nadine

Amsterdam 2017

The other day my friends and I were talking about traveling, and one of my friends mentioned wanting to go to Amsterdam. It had me reflecting on my own travels, and when I went to Amsterdam. So I thought I’d do a little trip down memory lane, sharing some photos from my trip!

If I remember correctly, I think my brother and I spent about 2.5 weeks in Europe when we went in 2017. We started and ended our trip in Amsterdam, so we spent the most time there. It was also probably the part of our trip where we just chilled out, since we new we’d be tired when we first arrived and were jet-lagged, and we knew we’d be tired at the end of the trip from all the touring around we did.

The highlight of Amsterdam for me was definitely going to visit the Anne Frank annex. When I was a little kid, I read a book that explained the story of Anne Frank in very simple terms, and I went to see a play about Anne Frank with my mom and my Grandma. My interest in her story was immediately piqued, and as I got older I read the Diary of Anne Frank as well. I had always wanted to go and visit the annex ever since I found out you could, and I couldn’t believe I was going to finally have the opportunity to see it with my own eyes. I got very emotional when we first got there, and had to hold back my tears (I was not about to start crying in front of a bunch of strangers). It was crazy to me that we were actually standing in the same place where they were in hiding – not just a replica, but the actual annex. We stood in the actual, tiny bedroom that Anne shared with the dentist, Fritz Pfeffer. We could see the actual photographs that Anne had pinned up on her wall, and the actual markings on the wall to measure Anne and Margot’s heights. I’ve been reading The Betrayal of Anne Frank and it’s making me desperate to go back and see the annex again.

One thing that my brother and I both agreed we loved doing in Amsterdam was just strolling around looking at the buildings and the canals. I miss starting my day by walking to a bakery first thing in the morning to get a pastry for breakfast, and then casually strolling around and taking in our surroundings while we ate. And then in the afternoons we’d get a paper cone of fries and mayo to eat while we walked around.

We went to the NEMO science museum, which was a bit more juvenile than we had anticipated, but was still fun. It was also super rainy that day, so it was nice to spend some time indoors.

I also insisted we check out Madame Tussauds wax museum! If I remember correctly, it was surprisingly not that busy when we went, so we got to get some good photo ops without having to fight through crowds to get them.

I can’t wait to travel again and revisit Amsterdam one day!

Until next time,
Nadine

My Therapy Light Experience

So, I got a therapy light for Christmas because I am someone who gets hit hard with that seasonal sadness. This year I think I felt it a bit more than usual, and was just lower energy all the time. This is probably because where I have my office set-up at home, there isn’t really any natural sunlight coming in, and then by the time I finish work it’s already starting to get dark out.

But I’ve been using my therapy light for a few weeks now to try and combat that, and I thought I’d share my results so far!

Overall, I do think my therapy light has made a positive difference! I don’t know if I can entirely give credit for my better moods to my therapy light, though. I have also started exercising more consistently, and obviously that’s a huge mood booster too. However, I can say that I have had noticeably fewer days where I feel like I’m stuck in a rut or I just feel kind of down all day even though nothing bad happened to make me feel that way.

When I turn my therapy light on, I do feel immediate effects as well. I find that I instantly perk up a bit and feel a bit more energized and awake. Overall I noticed I’ve been feeling less tired and sluggish throughout my days, but using the therapy light does also give an immediate mini energy boost (for me, at least). Previously I’d be feeling pretty drained by the late afternoon and really not wanting to exercise at all, but I find that since I’ve been feeling more energized I’ve been looking forward to my workouts a lot more!

I’m also someone who really struggles with insomnia – I’m talking waking multiple times through the night, and often just laying there for hours struggling to get back to sleep, no matter how tired I am. It used to be really rare for me to get a full sleep, or to only briefly wake up during the night. But recently I’ve been having really good sleeps! I either stay asleep all night, or if I do wake up it’s just for a few minutes and then I’m back asleep. Again, this might be a result of a combination of things, but my sleeps did start improving shortly after I started using my therapy light every day, so that could definitely be a factor!

I use my therapy light twice a day, and I find that really works for me. I turn it on once midway through my morning for 30 minutes, and once midway through my afternoon for 30 minutes. I try to time it around the time I might start having troubles focusing or start feeling a bit sluggish (especially after lunch when I’m feeling full and sleepy). I also make sure to keep it about a foot away, and make sure I am turned slightly away from it – as you can see, it is very bright and you really should not look directly at it. I made the mistake once or twice and wow. It really hurt my eyeballs.

I know some people probably think things like therapy lights are phony and just a capitalist scam. And who knows, maybe it is all just one big placebo effect. But even if it is, I don’t care. Who cares if the only reason I feel happier and less tired is because I believed this little light would do that for me? At the end of the day I’m still feeling happier and less tired regardless, and feeling happier was the whole goal. So, I’ll take it.

Overall, I definitely recommend a therapy light to anyone who feels the effects of seasonal depression, and/or anyone who is indoors all day this time of year and doesn’t really get any natural light during the day. It’s a really small device, so it’s not intrusive, and it doesn’t require any effort or energy on your part except to press a button to turn it on and off, so it’s not disruptive either! 10/10 would recommend.

Until next time,
Nadine

My Dark Vanessa (Book review)

2000. Bright, ambitious, and yearning for adulthood, fifteen-year-old Vanessa Wye becomes entangled in an affair with Jacob Strane, her magnetic and guileful forty-two-year-old English teacher.
2017. Amid the rising wave of allegations against powerful men, a reckoning is coming due. Strane has been accused of sexual abuse by a former student, who reaches out to Vanessa, and now Vanessa suddenly finds herself facing an impossible choice: remain silent, firm in the belief that her teenage self willingly engaged in this relationship, or redefine herself and the events of her past. But how can Vanessa reject her first love, the man who fundamentally transformed her and has been a persistent presence in her life? Is it possible that the man she loved as a teenager—and who professed to worship only her—may be far different from what she has always believed?

SPOILERS AHEAD

Before I give my review of this book, I wanted to give a warning that the book does deal with sexual assault and grooming. So if that is triggering for you, I would not recommend reading.

To say that I enjoyed this book feels…wrong, considering the subject matter. However, I was very captivated by this story, and the author’s writing. I felt very angry and sad for Vanessa. Part of me wanted to throw the book across the room in anger, and part of me wanted to keep reading because I was so invested in this character’s story. The author made me care so much for this character, I desperately wanted her to be okay.

In my opinion, the author handled the sensitive subject matter of this story very well. I also felt as though she wrote about the gaslighting and grooming, and the general mental and emotional abuse in a way that was so subtle and realistic. I feel like it could be really easy to end up writing it in a way that made the manipulation and abuse seem so blatant and obvious that you’d end up wondering how anyone wouldn’t be able to see it for what it was. Or maybe in a way that feels like she’s just telling you the character was abused as opposed to showing you how this occurs. The way it was written made me sympathize with Vanessa, and I could fully understand how someone could fall for this kind of manipulation and grooming when it’s perceived as positive attention from a person they admire and crave attention from.

I found it really interesting that the story was written from two different perspectives of the main character: her in her teenage years as she’s living through the trauma, and then her in her 30s as she’s reflecting on the events. The fact that as an adult, years after she was a victim of the abusive relationship with her teacher, she still didn’t view it as abuse speaks for how complicated the psychology behind abuse and trauma can be. Other girls in the book who were also assaulted by the teacher were able to view the things he did to them as abuse, but Vanessa was still convinced that that’s not the experience she had. I’m sure the fact that she stayed in contact with him during all those years probably didn’t allow her to heal, either. All those years that he continued to have access to her he would have been able to continue telling her that he loves her, and that what they had was special, which would have obviously messed with her head and prevented her from seeing their relationship for what it really was: abuse.

I also wonder if her belief that they were in love and had a special connection was some form of self-preservation because she wasn’t prepared to accept that she had actually been assaulted and abused. Maybe it was easier for her to deal with and think about if she viewed it as a special time in her life, or like a love story, rather than facing it as the traumatic experience it actually was. I’m not a psychologist and obviously don’t have the education surrounding trauma survivors or how people deal with trauma, but I do think the fact that she processed it the way she did also just shows another reason why some victims of sexual assault don’t immediately report the assault – it’s not just a physical attack, but it’s a psychological attack too. And for some people, it can take years to process the experience as abuse – especially if people around them kept playing it off as, and convincing them that it was a special bond, as something to be celebrated, not something dark and toxic.

The one chapter that made me angriest was the chapter when they spent their first night together. It was so harrowing, and so clear that the entire interaction was wrong and very obviously non-consensual – especially when she verbally expresses her desire to stop, and her pleas are ignored. But, although it’s obvious to the reader that this experience is wrong and non-consensual, the character has no previous experience, and clearly isn’t knowledgable about consent (no fault of her own). It becomes especially tricky when the adult who did this to her, and whom she trusts, tells her that it’s fine, and convinces her that the experience is normal and is what should be expected. So, she leaves his home thinking that nothing invasive or abusive occurred. She leaves the experience thinking that she is loved and cared for, which is not the case.

I think this is why it’s so important to teach about consent and boundaries at a young age (in an age-appropriate manner, obviously). If nobody teaches you these things, and then someone you trust decides to cross a boundary or abuses their power over you, and they don’t seek your consent, you may not realize that certain boundaries have been crossed and a violation has occurred.

I found the psychology of how the character processed and dealt with this experience – both as a teen, and later on in life as a grown adult in her 30s – very interesting, and very eye-opening. I think a lot of people view sexual assault as a simple experience – someone did something you didn’t want, you know it’s wrong because you didn’t want it, you report it, case closed. But it’s not that simple. Even without the complexities of surviving a traumatic situation, if you just look at the report it and it’ll all be resolved mentality, that’s also not as simple as you’d think. Even when suspicions of misconduct were reported by students in the school, a proper investigation was not carried out. The school worked against the student, and completely mishandled the situation – like bringing the accused teacher into the room while questioning the student about her experience – and they allowed the student to just take the fall while they turned a blind eye. And this isn’t an unrealistic reaction from institutions, either, unfortunately. And, as much as I wanted justice for Vanessa, and as much as I wanted her situation to be handled properly, I’m glad the author kept it realistic. Even if it is a painful story.

If you’ve read My Dark Vanessa I’d love to hear what you thought of it!

Until next time,
Nadine