Pandemic Check-in

I don’t know about you, but I’m starting to really feel the pandemic blues, and I feel like I’ve gone through a rollercoaster of emotions in relation to the pandemic this past year. On the bright side (it feels wrong to be calling anything a bright side at a time like this), I haven’t gotten sick once since the pandemic started. When I was in University and working in retail, I feel like I was getting some kind of cold symptoms every few months. But now that I’m at home 95% of the time, I haven’t had any symptoms.

Well, at least not any symptoms of physical illness.

I feel drained most days, and I’m itching to get out and see people. I thought that being stuck indoors all the time would really motivate me to get our house decorated, or work on little home-renovation projects, but no. It feels like the longer I spend stuck at home, the less motivated I am to do things. And I’m trying to learn to be okay with that.

At the start of the pandemic it felt like an opportunity to try new activities, learn new skills with all this free time. And then I had the mentality of, it’s a pandemic, I don’t need to do anything. In fact, I shouldn’t do anything. And so I used it as an excuse to just sit around and procrastinate any responsibilities. Then, that made me feel like shit, and I was hard on myself. I started beating myself up for “wasting time” and told myself I couldn’t use the pandemic as an excuse to just not do anything. Which, in a way is right. I can’t let the house fall apart and become a disgusting mess. However, I also can’t expect myself to be super productive every moment of every day.

So, I’m trying to be kinder to myself in this strange new world we live in. Some days, I truly am just too drained, and even vacuuming the kitchen feels like an insurmountable task. On days like that, I won’t push myself. Because I know it’s not just me being “lazy”. It’s me being overwhelmed, whether it be physically, mentally, or emotionally. So, I let myself just do what I need to do on those days. Sometimes cleaning actually does help clear my mind if I feel like the clutter of my surroundings is suffocating me. Sometimes sitting on the couch and watching TV for six hours makes me feel well-rested the next day. Sometimes I prefer to escape with a good book, or with an extra long walk on the treadmill or outside.

One thing I haven’t been compromising on is exercise. I try to get some kind of exercise in most days, because I know that it’s really good for me and makes me feel better. It doesn’t always mean I’m doing an intense workout – it can just be a leisurely walk, or dancing to my favourite songs in the kitchen. Something to get my body moving. Having a dog really helps – even on days I don’t care to get myself up and moving, I can’t bring myself to deprive Baxter of a walk.

So, yeah. I’m trying to be kinder to myself and find that balance of, we’re in a pandemic so you’re going to feel tired, you don’t have to do it all, and also you still have responsibilities and goals. You don’t need to give up on life because of the pandemic.

But it is exhausting in ways I hadn’t anticipated. Like, why is a meeting via video chat so much more exhausting than a meeting face-to-face? And I knew I’d be missing family and friends, but who knew that their absence could actually weigh down so heavily on me, and cause me to feel drained by the lack of socialization. Luckily we’re allowed to gather outside, and the weather has been nicer, so I can see my family for walks, which has honestly made such a difference.

But although I’m feeling drained and burnt out from this pandemic, I also know I have a lot to be grateful for, and I do feel grateful. I’m grateful that I have a good job, one I’m able to do by working from home. I’m grateful that I have a home, and that we’ve never been at risk of losing our home or our jobs throughout all of this. I’m grateful that I don’t have to worry about affording groceries, or even non-necessities that bring me joy. I’m grateful that my friends and family are all healthy during this, and I haven’t lost anyone to the pandemic. I’m also grateful for the warm weather we’ve been having, and the decently mild winter we had.

It’s definitely an incredibly tough and confusing time right now. There are good days – it’s not like I’m sitting around feeling miserable 24/7 – and bad days, and I just need to remind myself that this isn’t forever. It may still stick around for a while before it comes to an end, but there will be an end one day. And while I wait for that end to come, I look forward to sunnier days as we get closer to spring and summer. Because warm weather and sunshine always helps.

I hope you have been taking care of yourself during this pandemic, whatever that means for you, and that you’re doing okay.

Until next time,
Nadine